Top ten list of what to do and what not to do in relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone beyond the infatuation stage know that relationships are like a rollercoaster ride. When things are good, they are very, very good. When things are bad, they are very, very bad. As a relationship coach, I have developed Top 10 Lists---one for men and one for women on 10 things to do and not to do in relationships.

MEN

DO

1. Just listen to your partner without offering advice.

2. Trust and respect her.

3. Treat her as an equal partner in your relationship.

4. Stay and support her when she gets emotional. She is looking for understanding, not solutions.

5. Continue your courtship even after she’s committed to you. Continue to create romance in your relationship.

6. Do little things on a regular basis. A woman doesn’t care if you call her at work to say, “I love you” or if you buy a new TV for the living room. The small things are worth just as much as the big ones.

7. Honor any agreements you have made with her.

8. Encourage her goals and direction.

9. Find out what your partner would like to do and then do it with her.

10. Say, “I’m sorry” when you’ve done something you regret or that was hurtful to your partner, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

DON’T

1. Go to bed angry with your partner.

2. Try to offer advice or solutions when your partner just needs you to listen to her without comment.

3. Pretend to listen to her when you really aren’t.

4. Shut your partner out when you need to sort things out in your head. Just explain you need space, you aren’t angry with your partner and that you’ll be back.

5. Criticize your partner, especially her appearance.

6. Yell at your partner as if you were her father.

7. Take every word she says literally. Women, when upset, tend to speak in absolutes, such as “You NEVER listen to me;” when what she really means is that you aren’t listening to her at that time.

8. Allow jealousy to erode the trust, love and respect of your relationship.

9. Violate her privacy.

10. Forget special occasions.

Men and women have different communication styles, different needs and desires, and different relationship challenges. Learning these differences can assist us in strengthening the relationships we have now and in the future. John Gray began this revolutionary discovery in his book, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. The Women’s List follows:

WOMEN

DO

1. When you want more quality time with your man, make the time you do have as positive as possible.

2. Trust and respect him.

3. Stop nagging.

4. Allow your partner time away from you without giving him the third degree.

5. Appreciate the little things he does for you and tell him so.

6. Make love creatively and often. Don’t be afraid to initiate lovemaking.

7. Honor any agreements you have made with him.

8. Support his goals and direction.

9. Ask for what you want! (Believe it or not, no matter how much he loves you, he really can’t read your mind.)

10. Accept his “No” gracefully, trusting that he would if he could.

DON’T

1. Go to bed angry with your partner.

2. Insist he always share his feelings with you. Talking about feelings is more what women need.

3. Attempt to converse with your partner during a good movie or sporting event.

4. Continue to “give” in what you perceive is a lopsided relationship when you are at a point of resentment.

5. Criticize him or put him down, especially the things he does.

6. Scold your partner as if he were a child.

7. Use sex as a prize for good behavior or the withholding of sex as punishment for “bad” behavior.

8. Compare him to a fictional character in a book, movie or soap drama and find him lacking.

9. Violate his privacy.

10. Try to change him. Appreciate the man he is right now.

There is so much to learn about satisfying relationships that your parents never showed you. Please don’t become one of the statistics of divorce or perhaps worse, stay in a miserable relationship to honor your marriage vows while having so many regrets about your life as the time ticks away.

The top six romance killers and how to avert them

Remember the time your lover couldn’t keep his hands off you? And now, it seems, his hands are strictly for holding the remote, and he has eyes only for the TV.

What went wrong? Besides the fact that lifestyles today are more stressful than ever (a definite romance buster), most relationships go through predictable phases – from intense passion to a warm friendly glow to possible eventual indifference.

All couples, however, do not end up with indifference towards each other. Some even retain intense romance and passion for as long as they live. These relationships are not instances of chance or luck – the continued intimacy is a result of working on the relationship and not giving up on each other when the things look bleak.

If you are looking for more than just “holding on” to each other out of habit and wish to rekindle the flame of the early days of your romancing, here are some tips that will help you reach that goal:

Chores and additional responsibility: The greatest difference between the dating days and the living together days is the drastic change in responsibility levels. Money matters, household chores, and decision-making are the major areas of conflict.

For instance, you have never discussed who does what around the house, and when you see your partner sprawled on the couch while you are hard at work, it angers you. The best way to sidestep this hurdle is to work on communication. In this example, it would help to discuss division of chores and responsibilities before you start living together. Also, discuss money matters beforehand – who will spend on what, how much will be saved etc. If one partner puts in efforts to save money, and the other partner spends lavishly, the relationship is heading towards troubled waters. When we stop communicating, resentment builds up.

Resentment: Unresolved issues lead to bitterness and resentment. And when we resent our partner, we tend to start shutting him/her out of our lives. This is the beginning of indifference. Snip indifference in the bud by recognizing its signs and talking about the unresolved issue. Seek a closure.

Fitness & Health: High profile and highly demanding careers mean that we have little emotional energy to “give” at the end of the day. When both partners feel this way, they may end up snapping at each other for non-issues. And if you have been neglecting your health by eating junk food and not exercising, you feel constantly exhausted and irritable. So when both partners maintain a healthy (and fit) lifestyle, it helps their relationship.

Babies: Some say that the greatest test of the health a relationship is how it survives the entry of the new family member – the baby. Newborns can add to the stress of an already stressed relationship. If you don’t want your relationship to fall apart on account of the baby, make sure you are working on it before the baby is born – again, the key is open and honest communication.

Familiarity: At some point in the relationship we get comfortable enough with each other to burp in front of each other. This familiarity sometimes extends to not opening doors for our partner, and not carrying bags for her – little courtesies are forgotten. Even if we are comfortable with each other, behaving in a gentlemanly manner (or ladylike manner) when the occasion demands, keeps the romance alive.

Bickering: Most bickering is a reflection of a bigger problem – it is never really about the socks on the floor or the toothpaste tube cover - it is about how these gestures show that you don’t care enough about your partner to put in the effort. Bickering only increases your frustration because while the issue does not get resolved, you get labeled a “nag”. Talking in a constructive and positive manner about what bothers you is the best way to sidestep bickering.

Always remember to talk in a place that is free of distractions such as the TV or the baby. And while we’re going on about honest communication, remember the golden rule of speaking to your partner – it never hurts to be diplomatic. We’re saying, “be honest”, but that does not equal “be harsh”. Talk in a considerate, gentle and positive manner; and your partner will reward you by being responsive. And that is the beginning of rekindling the romance.